"Take the Power Out of the Secrets"

Happy Easter weekend my friends!  It has been a while since I have felt inspired to write in this blog as most of my short and sweet thoughts have been shared on my Healing Connections page.  This has come as a surprise, even to myself that I feel inspired to write about this.  AHH the tug of war I had with myself last night!  Still the call to share is stronger than my desire to procrastinate so I am going to open the iron-clad vault that has been locked for nearly 40 years and allow the healing light of transparency to breathe new life into my deepest darkest corners. 

I want healing, more than anything, I want to heal…beautifully and completely.  I want transformation.  I want transmutation, of the darkness to light within myself.  It’s incredibly humbling to admit that I am also broken.  I used to think that I had to put on a mask of “I’ve got this all together” when I was working with clients and truth be told, when I am doing a session, I do have it all together because time stops and I am the clear vessel of spirit.  When the session ends, my life picks up right where it left off.  I am not complaining.  I have had an amazing life!  I am generally very content and happy but I always carried this deep rooted sadness and unworthiness that I just could never quite get to.  It was so deep that I did not even fully recognize what it represented.  It was somewhat the “elephant in the room” of my soul, taking up space, not really contributing, but continually munching away at my self-worth.

This is by far the hardest, most intimate and vulnerable post I have ever shared and quite possibly, ever will share, at least personally.  I write it because I want to heal more than I want to hide.  It may be a long post as I have carried this for nearly 40 years.  If you are unable to stomach the details of this process, please at least skip to the end because this is not a victim story.  This is not a martyr story.  This is a survivor story, a story of healing, a story of surrender and mercy….this is writing myself A BRAND NEW STORY.

I WAS a victim of sexual abuse as a child.  Unfortunately, that is not so uncommon.  I buried it so deeply that I could only remember bits and pieces.  I preferred it that way.  Every once in a while I would glance back over my shoulder and acknowledge that it had happened but figured that since I really couldn’t remember it all, I really didn’t need to.  I used to think, “How could anyone forget something like that?”  Yet, my mind was clouding the details until I was fully prepared to remember. 

My body remembered.   I was a gymnast and at about the age of 15, the emotions began to surface.  I didn’t understand what I was feeling at all but I felt an overwhelming urge to feel pain within my body.  I started making myself vomit.  Not even so much to lose weight, but to purge.  I started to feel extremely conscious of my physical body and felt intense shame for really nothing at all.  I thought, “If people ever find out who I really am…..they will be so disappointed.”  I felt dirty and stained.  I compared myself constantly to others, especially in my religion and thought, I was somehow different.

So I took on a “role.” I became the “adult” at a very young age.  I tucked my spirituality aside and began to entertain the desires of a very unhealthy appetite.  I felt that I could either serve my body or I could serve my spirit but not both. I felt that I was older then my peers and was no longer allowed to act as a teenager.  I just wanted to get married and start having babies and escape the classroom where I felt that everyone else was allowed to go to recess except for me.  I dated a guy in high school and started an intimate relationship at that very young age.  Intimacy brought on a whole new level of shame…..shame and strangely enough, power.  It somehow felt familiar and free momentarily but the sadness and pain that followed constantly reminded me of who I had tried to escape. 

I never told a soul!  Nobody!  I thought that just maybe I had imagined it. Just maybe something small had happened and maybe I got scared and overreacted.  Maybe…..but my body told me there was more. 

I began “dabbling” in binging and purging from the time I was about fifteen.  I would pull out this hidden trick throughout my adult life whenever I felt overwhelmed or out of control in any way.  I was never a small girl so of course, “I never had an eating disorder.”  That was only for the girls who actually looked like they were starving.  But as I gained and lost weight I felt even more out of control, my self-worth continued to plummet. 

About 8 years ago, I went through a divorce.  As my life spiraled out of control in so many ways, I began to focus….even obsess about the one thing I could control, what I ate.  So I started restricting and restricting more and getting rid of whatever I could as soon as I could.  I lost 50 lbs. over 3 months.  Over the next few years this became a way of life until I was purging nearly 15 times a day.  I felt awful! I was taking energy supplements to keep up the energy I needed.  I put on a smile and made sure everyone thought I had it all together but I was completely caught up in tornado that never touched ground. 

This went on at this pace for nearly four years with no end in sight until finally, when I asked for help, the tender mercy of remembrance reached out and tapped me on the shoulder.  It came through people who reflected that remembrance in different ways.  One was through my friend who was detoxing from a long history of prescription drug addiction.  I literally went through it with him.  I was allowed to be so connected that I actually felt the nausea, the cold sweats, and the despair.  It was an invaluable lesson in understanding that I am not just hurting myself, I am hurting everyone when I hurt ……we really are connected.  I could not bare the thought of hurting my children.  That was truly the one thought that steered me in another direction.  I began praying more and I began a treatment program, and I began to take off the “Always okay mask” and surrender.  As my spiritual connection strengthened, I resolved that I would not inflict this kind of abuse on myself anymore.  I just would never make myself throw up again.  This was a great place to start but I didn’t allow myself to really get to the core of what caused all this. 

During this time my spirituality began to really awaken. I began to feel the connection to the other side that I had experienced as a child and had shut off.  This is when the communication increased in intensity and I began having regular visitations from family members who had passed.  One of these visitors was my grandmother.  She was a beautiful person but really struggled in this life.  I once implied that she was a little crazy.  One day she came to me from the other side and with such a feeling of heartbreak, she said, “Please don’t call me crazy, you don’t know what I have been through.”  I immediately began to see images of her being abused by men.  She was horribly abused in every way imaginable.  She was even locked away in a room where she was rarely seen with her family.  Some people in town did not even know she existed.  It was gut wrenching!  She then said in a desperate plea, “Please take the power out of the secrets!”  I assumed this was in reference to everyone else.  I did not for one moment think that It was meant for me. 

I have been very deliberate and conscious about releasing emotions as they come op and allow the healing process to work through me so I was astonished when, just a few months ago, the old familiar companion named “eating disorder” came to visit again.  This time I recognized her right away.  That feeling always comes with intense sadness and pain but always with the promise that if I am skinnier, that pain will all go away.  This time was different.  I didn’t run away or buy into her promises.  I looked right at her and said, “Why are you here, what do you represent?”  I then petitioned all the help I could on the other side and asked that I really be able to face this and be free from it for good.  I immediately started to retrace my steps throughout the past 25 years and recognize where I had given that belief life.  The images rewound until I saw myself as a little girl….right to the point of where I remembered being abused.  I cried a few tears and felt I had released some emotion and went on with my day thinking, “Oh that dang abuse thing!  I thought I had taken care of that!” 

A few nights later, the images started showing up again.  I was talking to a very good friend and telling him about these emotions when all of the sudden I kept seeing an image of a little girl.  She was tiny, like two years old.  Every time I would visualize trying to approach her, she would disappear.  I just could not get close.  She was deliberately hiding and I could feel her say, “I don’t want anyone to see me.”  Through my spiritual work, I knew that this was a representation of me.   A little girl inside of me who was still needing some healing.  Since I was unable to get to her, I asked that Christ come and take her to the light and help her feel whole again.  Usually when I do this work with clients, the little separated soul is taken to receive healing but is then brought right back to be rejoined with the present day mind, body, and spirit.  It surprised me when I saw an image of Christ rush in and scoop this sweet little girl up and take her with him.  He didn’t bring her back.  I reasoned that maybe I no longer needed to be connected to this wounded child and that now I could feel more whole.  But over the next week, I felt like something was missing.  I felt like there was more and I desperately wanted to be able to release this. 

I began focusing my meditations every day on healing this past wound.  I prayed to finally get to the bottom of this even if it meant that I had to remember exactly what had happened.  Nearly a week later, during a meditation I was pleading….really sincerely begging to understand and be free from this pain.  That is when I saw that little girl once again.  This time she was older.  She looked about 8 years old and she was wearing a beautiful white dress and holding the hand of the Savior.  She impressed upon me her desire to come back and be as one with me but that it was my choice, my timeline.  (This may sound so strange to many but visualization is one gift that, thankfully, has become very strong for me.  I am spoken to through images to help me understand.)  As I saw that little girl standing there, I was suddenly overcome with absolute fear.  I saw her standing there so beautiful, so pure, and so willing, and I became acutely aware of just how separated my body and my spirit had become. 

I could literally hear a conversation between them.  My body cried out, “Where have you been?  This wouldn’t have happened if you had stayed with us!  You are not coming back until you tell us exactly what happened.”  My spirit, or my higher self, in the higher consciousness of understanding spoke love and patience and said, “Are you sure?  Are you sure you want to remember all of it?”  My body cried out “Yes!” I also became aware that my body was being cleansed to allow my perfectly spotless soul to return.  I was asked again if remembering was really what I wanted to which I replied, “More than anything.”   The impression came to me, “Love your body.”  I started to give gratitude for my body, when all of the sudden, I felt that little girl and my body reunite.  It was unmistakable!  I felt my body light up and all the dormancy reawaken.  I also started to see images…..images that have been devastating but necessary to acknowledge.  I saw all that I didn’t want to see and did not want to believe. These memories invoked the most soul-heaving, grief stricken sobs I have ever experience.  This was a cleansing at the very deepest core of my being.  Everything that I had known or believed throughout my life had been built upon these images.  When I felt that I could no longer stand to witness the truth, I cried out to be lifted up and strengthened.  That is when my sweet friend, my representation of perfect love and acceptance came to my rescue. 

In perfect tender mercy, I saw the image of Christ come to me.  He reached out his hand and led me up a hill.  He said he would let me see the rest from a more protected view.  I realized that my spirit was up above as if on the outskirts of town looking down on a city where my body was just there, completely unattached.  I was able to see the rest of the experience without feeling the emotion of it.  He gently held me and kept me in his consciousness of love.  He allowed my body to experience what it needed to remember to heal but kept my soul safe with him.  I then began to see images of me as a really small girl.  A memory returned to my thoughts.  My mother said that when I was very young, I told her that I just could not decide if I was going to go back or stay with them.  Suddenly the dots connected.  I realized that it was during the time that I was being abused that my little soul was kept safely away from the nightmare.  I could also hear him say to me, “You know you don’t have to do this, you always have a choice.”  That little girl, in her higher soul consciousness would reply, “I want to, I know that he will not get better if I don’t do this.  He will continue on a destructive path if I don’t finish this.”  

The “AT ONE MENT” process

I speak of this often.  This was a beautiful process that I was given the understanding of during an experience last October when I was allowed to visit the other side during a surgery.  They were beautiful words that I teach often in sessions.  I now know firsthand the healing power these words represent.

The At one ment process is a lesson of the symbolism that the crucifixion represents.  I believe completely that when I was allowed to take that journey to the other side, I asked to clear the path so that I could progress.  I am so very grateful that I was given the tools to process this before the remembrance happened. 

GARDEN of GETHSEMANE:  This was the time of the initial remembrance, the shocking realization that what I had believed no longer existed.  I felt every emotion in its entirety and let the deepest wounds open.  I felt very tempted to shove it back down and stop the process because I was scared of the pain but as the “Refiner’s fire” burned through me, the very same fire brought light to a once dark place.  I felt pain not only for myself but for the abuser.  I was so sad that they had carried such an immense burden in their life as well.  I felt physical pain release and the intensity began to decrease.  It seemed to come in waves at first.  I have experienced all the stages of grieving from denial, to sadness, to anger, to bargaining to acceptance.  Just when I thought it was over, I would bounce back to a previous stage and go through it all again.  When I felt that I could no longer stand to feel this pain, I surrendered.

CRUCIFIXION:  This stage represents the complete surrender and when I say I surrendered, I mean complete, lying on the floor, unable to face another person, unable to put the next thought together on my own kind of surrender.  I plead “I cannot take this any longer.  Please carry me!”  I cried to whoever on the other side would listen.  It was almost immediately that the pain subsided.  I started to feel relief.  I felt that the deep ravines of dry baron canyon land had been filled with life giving, nourishing, cleansing water.  Through the transmutation of Christ Consciousness and peace I was able to say, “Forgive them for they knew not…….forgive me because I knew not.”  I was only a little girl, incapable of protecting myself.  I felt my spirit finally say to my body, “Thank you for taking this so that I could stay protected.”  By body said, “Thank you for staying clean and pure so that you could come back and heal us.”  It has been a most beautiful reunion. 

LAYING TO REST IN the TOMB:  I am finding the gratitude in this experience.  I am realizing more every day.  This has shaped my entire life.  I was not always conscious of it, but I could always see the deep dark hole that others carried because I carried it too.  I pray that has made me more compassionate and understanding.  I came to depend on my Creator more than I depended on man.  I knew that I could not be healed in any other way.  Interestingly, I didn’t feel at all worthy for God’s approval or love, therefore, I have developed a relationship with Christ in his pure consciousness of love. I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for contrast, to know what it feels like to be a bird in a cage…wanting so badly to be free but unable to unlock the door.  I am grateful for a brand new beginning, cage-free, limitless, and endless! 

A couple of days ago, I was starting to feel a little cluttered in my emotions again.  I kept hearing the words, “You need to share your story.”  The image that I had in sharing it was terrifying…I kept pushing that thought away.  That night as I was feeling particularly disconnected, I began to see an image.  It was me again.  She was the age that I am now.  She was in a completely empty room with all white walls and a white floor.  There were no openings, no windows, no way out.  She was desperately looking, trying to find herself, crying out, “I don’t know who I am!  I can’t find myself!”  I could see her pounding on the walls and shouting, “I am locked in here and nobody will listen to me.  Nobody even knows I am here!”  I had once again left her behind and buried myself in my work.  It was very obvious that I had to take some time for healing.  I had to be gentle and compassionate with myself in the way that I am for others.  It was also obvious that that girl needed a voice!  She deserved a voice.  After all these years, she just wants to be heard.  So here we are.  Sharing the deepest, darkest, dirtiest laundry with the world.  I should be terrified but at long last, I just don’t care.  I am liberated!  The secrets make us sick.  This is no longer mine to carry.  I no longer feel the need to protect everyone around me at the cost of feeding that giant life sucking elephant. 

I wanted to wait until I could present this story in a nice little wrapped up gift with a beautiful shiny bow…I wanted it to look pretty.  But I’ve realized that this IS wrapping it up with a beautiful bow.  In sharing this, perhaps it can be a gift to another.  Perhaps in liberating myself, someone else will feel free to liberate themselves and if I can be any amount of light in that journey for them, this has all been worth it. 

That giant elephant is now becoming a giant stepping stool to finally be able to see over the walls I built.  I just can’t stop gazing at what is on the other side of that wall.  It represents the freedom, the love, and the acceptance for myself and others, the wall is crumbling down. To be honest, I am not sure who I am right now but I don’t believe I need that clearly defined.  I am surrendering daily and trusting that if I were to put these broken pieces back together, it would look like a glued together vase that may or may not ever hold water again.  He is constructing an intricate, divine stained glass window that he can shine the light through.  I am love….that’s all I need to know for now.  I promise to “thine own self be true” from here on out and I know the rest will come together.

I also know that this truly is a brand new day.  I felt this so appropriate for Easter, although I really didn’t even plan it that way.  The stone is rolled away and I am now walking out of the darkness of the “TOMB” and into the glowing warmth of the sunshine.  I can almost see my arms outstretched, absorbing every ounce of this healing light.  I can finally say, “It is done.”  I am made a new creation through the atonement.  I am made whole by the divine creator that blesses and lives within me.  I am free to dream, free to create, free to remember.  I am grateful…..so incredibly grateful!  Today is a brand new day to write a brand new story…it’s a love story!  In every aspect, I am writing myself a love story. 

This is my resurrection! 

 

(For my grandmother) I promise to continue to “Take the Power Out of the Secrets.” 

If I can assist you in writing your own “RESURRECTION” story please private message me or call 801-910-7591.