Keepers of the Light

Happy 11-11!  This is a very significant number in numerology as every number holds a unique vibration.  The 1's hold the vibration of spiritual awakening and creation.  Out with the old and in with the new, and today happens to be a new moon.  The essence of new beginnings.  So it only seems natural that spirit would speak strongly in meditation today and ask for me to share a message to the light keepers.  Yes you are usually called light workers but I have been asked to replace the term "workers" with "keepers,"  There really is no work in being a keeper of the light.  We hold the sacred light within us....all of us do and the "work" is often what keeps us in hiding.  The light is effortless and free flowing because that is our true being.  We are holding the sacred frequency for those who have not yet awakened.  So....here it is, a message to the beautiful, sacred, courageous keepers of the light. 

When I began this work, I was a self-proclaimed (begrudgingly labeled) "medium."  I was truly never comfortable with the term, in fact it always felt wrong.  I just didn't know what to call this strange phenomenon that I was experiencing.  I was just moving along in my normal chaos when all of the sudden, in a traffic jam on the freeway, my heart was stirred.  My awakening really began in 2007 in the midst of a painful divorce.  I was the epitome of victim.  "How could this be happening?  Why would he choose to leave me?  And all the other expressions of my "NOT ENOUGHS."  Thankfully I was lead to a counselor who introduced me to the movie "The Secret."  The awareness that I, in fact, had created and even asked for this experience, was life changing. 

I practiced that awareness for a while and really began to understand that it was okay to hope and it was okay to dream.  I started to really come alive.  Then one day, stuck on I-15 for two hours, my world was completely awakened while listening to the "The Power Of Intention," by Dr. Wayne Dyer.  My heart began to expand and I felt a rush of excitement.  A peaceful passion washed over me and I distinctly, quietly heard a voice say, "You will teach these things as he is."  I had always loved and admired Wayne Dyer's work but to even think for a moment that I would be teaching as he is was absurd to me.  I was single, broke, crazy busy, and burned out!  I had nothing to teach.  I had everything to learn and that is where my journey began. 

I didn't really have any experience to compare this to and nobody that I knew that was experiencing this feeling.  The only thing I knew to do was to take it to God.  The most precious gift I had received through my divorce was a relationship with my divine creator.  I am in gratitude every day for that.  I began meditating in my closet.  In complete darkness and stillness I began to find the light...I began to see my light.  It didn't look like anything I had ever seen before in myself but this felt like truth.  It felt like the me that I came into this world as, the playful, fearless, curious me that knew that I was the essence of God. The voice that I began to hear was very subtle at first but she kept talking and gently reminding me to meet her in the stillness.  I did, every day.  My world began to change almost faster then I could keep up with.  It was like the most delicious food I had ever tasted and I just could not get enough.  I meditated longer and with more intention.  My prayer was always just to connect, just to receive messages from those of the highest light and more than anything I asked, "Please let me be an instrument.  Please just put me where you need me." 

One day as I was in meditation, I felt very strongly, the presence of my grandpa sitting next to me.  I immediately recognized him and thought, "Grandpa I am so glad you are here."  To my surprise, he talked back, not with his mouth but with his soul.  Loud and clear, my soul recognized his words.  I wept with gratitude the whole time.  The portal opened that day and has never closed.  Once I remembered that I was inherently connected to all things, including the other side, it could not be shut off.  What a beautiful gift this was to open and I am so very grateful. 

Do you remember this connection?  You all have it, you all are it!  The last five years have brought blessing after blessing because of this remembrance.  I want more than anything to awaken that remembrance in everyone I meet! 

So, back to the term medium.  I am not a medium because that would be limiting to conversations with non-physical beings that have passed ... and although that is often part of the healing, that is not the sole purpose.  I am a messenger, a conduit to share the messages to awaken a remembrance in you.  That is it.  I am no longer able to answer questions for people.  They must now be active participants in their own healing. We are no longer able to look to others for answers.  We are no longer able to depend on someone outside of ourselves to direct our path.  We as light keepers can hold a vibrational frequency with another to help them remember but we can not do any healing for them!  I am now asked to have my clients speak about their emotions, ask questions, and open the door of connection for themselves as I serve as the mouthpiece.  YOU ARE the HEALER.  Your connection with your divine light is the perfect frequency to heal your pain.  We are instructed to gather together and hold that frequency for those who are healing but to create dependence in anyway is not in the highest light. 

I recently met with a beautiful young woman who was just starting into this awakening process.  She had been through some painful experiences which often proceeds an awakening.  She said that she had been seeing a healer who would just "rewire" her over the phone about once a month.  She would tune into her needs and just heal her.  This girl loved her because it was easy and she was told that she would feel better so she just did, temporarily.  And then she would give her a credit card and set up her appointment for the next month.  I was in awe....complete shock at the realization that this is happening all over.  I was told in a workshop with a native American grandmother this past weekend that "The Sorcerers" are ramping up. 

The darkness is control.  The darkness is taking away free will.  The darkness takes without giving.  The light heals in equal balance.  Something is given to receive, this is the reason most healers ask for an exchange of money, it is an important part of your healing.  If you give your heart felt intention, your tears of emotion, or your willingness to let go of and understand an experience, you receive healing from the light.  The Lakota teachings state that "Only with the juices of the body can the spirit and flesh become one."  Only through "blood, sweat, and tears."  If you are not an active participant in your healing you are taking a short cut and you will miss all of the beautiful lessons you designed in that experience.  It creates connection to a healer, not connection to yourself and the oneness you hold with creator.  It creates dependence.  It creates addiction and you will be constantly be in search for peace if you feel that connection has been lost.  Please trust that you hold all the answers within.  Often in the beginning of our journey we need a mentor and that is great but take everything you learn to your source.  Question everything and find YOUR answers.  That is the most honoring gift you can ever give to yourself. 

It is time to gather our medicine.  It is time to accept the call and do whatever it takes to share that light you remember.  We don't have time to keep going back into victimhood or question your worthiness.  If you feel your heart stirring, you are called.  The first wave of ascension has already taken place and one-third of the planet is awakening.  The other two-thirds will awaken in time but we have the honor and responsibility to facilitate our healing and step into our divine uniqueness.  Your gifts are yours and are an intricate piece of the fabric we are weaving together.  We are all needed.  We are all special, and we are all part of this infinite creation of divine love.  Do you remember?  Ask yourself that question....ask to remember! 

You are so loved.  You are so supported.  You are being guided.  Please stay in faith and know that everything you need will show up in your experience.  Surrender the attachment to what it has to look like.  Surrender your will and just be the perfect instrument of light you already are! 

I am honored to be a part of this awakening and I give my heart-felt gratitude to my teachers, to those who have gone before and have walked beside me every moment.  I thank you.  I thank my divine creator for reflecting the experiences I needed to remember and may I continue to be humble in understanding your will not mine.  May I be an instrument of connection, an instrument of reflection and an instrument of remembrance in the words you speak through me.  Thank you to the beautiful healers, teachers, givers, and friends.  Together we can change the world. 
Lots of love to you all! 

"Here I Am Nothing....and Here I Am Everything"

I wanted to share a story in light of the Blood Moon, Lunar eclipse we are experiencing tonight.  This is really such a special time in our Earth's history.  As many have talked about, this is a great shift on our planet.  This downpour of divine energy is facilitating a rise in our collective consciousness to bring us all to more of a place of love and unity.  As many have mentioned, it has also been a time of sorting through old beliefs, patterns, and attachments.  We can move into this new energy easily if we are able to let go of what no longer serves us.  I can feel the buzz in the air as our generations past and future gather to assist us in becoming more evolved.  It is a softer more beautiful energy than I have ever felt here before and I can feel the excitement.  It is also a time of great reflection into ourselves, into our core make-up and allowing ourselves to align with the highest light that resides within us.  We are being asked to  awaken to our unique gifts and powerfully step into our soul calling rather than just work to earn a paycheck.  We are all being asked to share our light and inspire others to allow their healing to happen. 

I was recently blessed to attend a Native American Spirit Dance that was held in the mountains above Strawberry Reservoir.  I had been going to sweat lodges for years with these people but had never been able to attend a spirit dance. 

This particular dance has been a practice of the Lakota Sioux Indian tribe and consists of three days of sweat lodges, fasting, dancing, praying, and meditating which was exactly what I needed at the time I went.  I was so grateful and honored to be allowed to dance in this sacred ceremony.  The intention of this dance is to bring healing and love to mother earth and to give gratitude for all that she provides.  It is to ask for healing for all who may need it and to connect more deeply with the creator.  It was an amazing experience that I will continue each year as long as I am able. 

As I began my weekend ritual, I had the intention of letting go of ego that may be blocking me and to be able connect to myself and God more clearly.  I felt that I was really going through a personal shift and was having a hard time letting go of pain and fear.  As we started into our first dance, I was really in the physical temporal mind of the experience.  I was thinking about how hot the ground felt on the dry dirt underneath me and "how awful I must look right now with no make-up and a bandana wrapped around my crazy curly hair."  I was thinking that I had just sweated twice and had nothing to clean off with except a river, which I was grateful to have, but I was sure that the flies swarming around me indicated that it was not quite the same as a bath.  I was looking around at everyone else as the drum beat forcefully and the singers sang the beautiful songs of the Lakota people.  I started to sway and pick up my feet with the beat of the drum but I was watching everyone else to see exactly what this was supposed to look like.  My moves were small and conservative and I felt so self conscious, as I wanted to make sure that I blended into this dance.  Pretty soon, the other dancers started to pray and dance around in beautiful worship of the Universe around us.  I felt the energy gather.  I felt my own beloved ancestors gather around me.  I felt surrounded in the love of the experience.  I began to move with the drum and feel the words travel through my soul.  I felt the collective love of all the other dancers gather together with the surrounding trees, the animals, and the elements.  We were dancing in synch with each other and the drum started to resonate like a heart beat within me.  I started to let go of what was around me and immerse myself in this sacred dance.  I started to come alive again.  I started to dance and sing along with the music and before I knew it, I  became like a child who was filled with absolute joy in being in this moment.  I had no worries.  In this moment, I realized that nobody there knew nor cared that I did healing work, nobody cared what car I drove, the amount of money in my bank account, the mistakes I had made, or where I had been in my life.  All they knew is that I was a part of connection and that in our collective prayers, we were healing ourselves and others.  All I knew was that I was one with all that was and I WAS LOVE.  I WAS THE UNIVERSE.  I felt like I was truly dancing with the CREATOR. 

As this peace washed over me, tears filled my eyes.  I began to give gratitude for this experience.  All of the sudden, the words came to my heart, "IN THIS MOMENT I AM NOTHING....AND IN THIS MOMENT I AM EVERYTHING."  When I lost all of my labels, all of my identity, all of my attachments to who I thought I was, I remembered.....and then I became connected to EVERYTHING. 

It was one of the most humbling yet empowering moments in my life.  I am realizing the more that I am just a vessel to reflect light and love, the less attached I feel to the outcome or the belief that it has to look a certain way  I was able to let go of the pain that the past year's experiences brought and be filled with new life.  I have not been the same since that experience and I pray I never will be.  I pray to make myself small and my Creator big.  I pray that through me, the light of love will pass through and be amplified for others to see who they truly are.  I pray to be open and accepting of all in whatever path they are walking and to be a vessel of pure love without judgment, even judgment for myself.  I am so grateful to be moving into this greater awakening and to gather together in support and acceptance for all.  I am honored to be surrounded by so many who are walking this journey in love.  You are so inspiring to me! 

I know it is difficult to let go of past pain and heartache, past patterns and beliefs, but new life is waiting for you on the other side.  The emotions you feel just need to be felt, recognized, and thanked to be released. The surrender brings rebirth and all of the joy you deserve.  It is not about doing more....it is just about being more.  You are already so much more then enough!  LET GO AND JUST BE! 

Lots of love to you all! 
Tami Robinson

Take the Power Out of the Secrets Part 2

 Hello my friends.  As I sit here and begin to write this post I am realizing that my writings have been further apart and I am sorry for that.  I have been busy building a new house…within myself.   I kept feeling that I needed to write a follow up but I wanted it to come from a place of healing, not a place of any pain.  I have realized that people deserve honesty.  This is not as simple or as easy as I first believed it would be and I still don’t have all the answers.  What I have is humility and a heartfelt desire to reach out to others who may need to be validated and supported.  This is what I have learned so far. 

I am reflecting on what the last five months have been.  Emotionally…it has been a whirlwind, an earthquake, a tsunami, a thunderstorm, and the most beautiful, bright, warm sunny day I have ever felt.  My house was rocked clear down to the foundation.   I didn’t ever realize it but the foundation was cracked from a very young age and the house was starting to fall apart even before the storm blew through.  Even while I am still venturing through the aftermath of this storm, I am grateful.  This house is being built on a strong foundation, stronger than I ever knew I could build. 

“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.  You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain.  When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in.  That’s what the storm is all about.”  Haruki Murakami      

For those who are just reading this post, this is a follow up to my previous post called “Take the Power out of the Secrets.”  I wrote that in April just after my internal storm began.  I was just starting to have vivid memories awaken and the realization that I was sexually abused by someone I loved and trusted.  I always knew it was there but I believe that I had not allowed myself to open that box until I was ready to deal with it.  Thankfully, through a crossing over experience during a surgery, I was given a roadmap and tools to be able to process this once it came to the surface.  For that I am so grateful.  To be completely honest, I am sure this would have broken me completely.  I did break.  I shattered into a million pieces but I was also given the support from the other side and loving support from people on this side to help me come back together. 

I am not the same person.  Sometimes that feels so sad.  I have grieved the person I left behind.  There really was a lot I liked about her.  I won’t miss the insecurity she felt or the “never enough” thoughts she was always running from.   I won’t miss that constant fear that someone might recognize who she really was.  She thought she was damaged.  She thought she needed to stay separated to stay safe.  She loved watching everyone else experience joy, love and abundance in their lives.  She just never thought it was for her.  She was so scared.   She never even realized just how scared she was. 

She is not afraid anymore…..she walked head first into the storm, without cover.  In fact, in the process, all the shelter and safety that she thought she had in her life disappeared.  She was left to stand out in the rain completely alone….or so she thought. 

At first she laid in the mud, sobbing, broken and unable to pick herself up.  The storm raged until she had no more tears, nothing left to cry out and she laid there.  She completely surrendered to the fact that this time it was bigger than she was.  She had pulled out every trick she could think of.  All that was left was to ask God to hold her, to take her in his arms and hold her up.  She had never asked in this way before.  This time she was willing to trade everything for the sunshine.  She had not felt the sun shine for so long and she felt desperately alone.

 

God heard my cries and lovingly, unmistakably, came to my rescue.  The clouds started to part and the sun started shining again. It has come in the form of many loving, beautiful people who somehow knew when I needed that uplifting text or that “just checking in” phone call.  It came through sessions with others where I was able to learn and heal with my clients. It came through other healers who shared their incredible gifts with me.  It came through my amazing supportive children who let me grieve as long as I needed and never made me feel weak.  They let me step down from the caretaker role and “just be” more times than I can count.  It came through an amazing man that God sent me to help me remember that I am lovable and worthwhile.  He came when I was the very most broken.  He came when I felt completely empty of anything that resembled who I was before.  He came to help me see who I really was and love me back together.  The divine timing was impeccable and so unexpected, in fact, I was not even open to a relationship.  I did not want to drag anyone into this mess.  But it was exactly what I needed at the time.  The slate had been wiped clean and I needed to replace it with something healthier.  I am so very grateful for the tender mercies of this experience. 

For the family that I have lost, at least for now…I have grieved the most.  The heart breaking realization has finally set in that this is also bigger than any of us and that the only way to mend is through complete surrender on all levels.  I have no idea how to put it back together.  That is unfamiliar.  I have always thought that in some way I could mend anything.  I thought that I could physically hold all the pieces together.  This time I cannot….I will not.  This time we get to heal.  We get to dig deep down into the source of the wound and draw out the devastating infection that has festered for nearly 40 years.  This is the gift we have been given, to no longer be content with surface healing and surface connection.  I want more…we all deserve more.    I have also chosen to understand the reason for this disconnect.  This is painful.  Nobody wants to feel pain.  We will do whatever it takes to avoid discomfort but the healing only happens when we let ourselves get uncomfortable.  At times it is frustrating.  At times I feel angry, but most of the time I feel compassion for the pain that is being held.  I am understanding that sometimes loving people means loving them enough to let them feel their own experience….to allow them to react in whatever way they need to but to honor myself enough to be free from absorbing it.

As I read back over my previous post, I kind of laughed at the naivety in thinking that I could go through this four step process, brush myself off and start running again.  I really had no idea what this healing process would entail.  I have learned so much through this experience in every aspect of healing and through that I can say that this happened for all of us not to us. 

1.       I have learned that grief has no time limit.  It comes in waves and is as unpredictable as the tide.  At times I have felt numb, at times I am so raw that I cry at the drop of a hat.  Simple songs or smells can bring up a memory and the grieving starts all over again.  In many ways it has been like grieving a death.  It has been a death of who I believed I was and a death of who I believed loved and supported me.  But there has also been a rebirth.  A confident, strong and courageous woman is emerging.  I was riddled with doubt and fear at the beginning of this process but the more I am true to my heart, the more my heart takes the lead.  There has been a birth of freedom.  Freedom to feel my own emotions, freedom to not have to make everyone else comfortable, freedom to speak my truth, and freedom to heal. 

2.       There was a time during this process where I could see an image of my body as an empty suit.  It looked like someone had unzipped me from my head to my toes and literally ripped out all of my insides.  It was the strangest feeling to see complete blank space where there were once packed in emotions and beliefs.  I felt like I was just a shell and had no idea what to fill that suit back up with.  I prayed to be filled with what my creator believed I was and not who I thought I was.  I asked to remember.  It was then that I saw something familiar.  I still had just one part of me intact, one piece that had survived the storm....it was my voice. 

I have learned that healing comes through sharing the one thing that was taken away from me, my voice.  I have sat down many times to write this post and could not.  My throat would tighten and my chest would ache.  I was so afraid to offend anyone.  I finally realized that I was still holding myself prisoner in feeing like I had to make everyone happy.  I realized that I was still holding onto the pain to keep it from leaking out but the truth was, it still did and the energy was draining and dark.  If I share my story, my darkness becomes light and I want to touch people in that way!  I had the blessing of working with many people healing from abuse because of my last post and I realized that if this potentially inspires or gives hope to even one person, it is worth possibly offending a few.  I feel an awakening of purpose within me.  I want to be a voice for those who feel they have lost theirs.  In taking back my own power, I hope to inspire others to do the same.

3.       I learned surrender.  I learned how to ask for help.  I learned that there are so many amazing people with gifts to share and that we all need each other.  I learned that people were happy to help me and that it allowed us to form a deeper connection.  I learned that people loved me for me and not just for the work that I did.  I learned to be honest and vulnerable and most of all compassionate for myself.  Grieving and healing is no different than healing from a wound in our bodies.  So many times I would start to feel a little bit stronger and I would take off running again, trying to save the world.  I would be gently reminded that if I had a broken leg that was healing, I would give it time to heal before I started running again.  Why would I think an emotional wound deserved any less time?  I have learned to trust that when my spirit asks me to rest, there is a reason and it is always a beautiful experience.  It is in the rest that I am given precious pearls of understanding and wisdom so that I can share with others.  It is also when I feel more grounded and appreciate more fully the beauty around me. 

4.      I have learned trust.  Trusting myself has been the most honoring healing experience I have had in reuniting my body and my spirit.  For most of my life, my body and spirit were at war.  I now understand the unselfish and compassionate role my body played.  It served as a lock box so to speak.  It absorbed the emotions and feelings that I was not able to deal with quite yet.  It kept going strong despite my constant criticism.  We have been reunited and for the first time in my life, I feel a deep respect and appreciation for this beautiful gift.  It’s not just an esthetic appreciation, but deep love for the service it has provided.  Even though the painful memories have been felt vividly in my body, I have been allowed to feel joy in equal measure.  I feel all the beauty around me when I am hiking.  I feel release of emotion in my body and the refilling of peace that was once only spiritually recognized.  I feel in the moment and able to “be still,” which I was never able to do before.  I have learned that when I have a question or a doubt, my body will tell me.  For example, one of the hardest parts of this process has been to trust that my memories were actually real and that I had not made them up.  I think that is a fear everyone who has experienced this feels, but my body made it very clear, even to the point of giving me nightmares and panic attacks.  My body let me know that the intensity at which the emotion showed up in my body could not be imagined.  Through establishing trust, those experiences are decreasing.  My emotions just needed to be validated. 

5.      I have learned that just because this makes others uncomfortable, I am not meant to hold it.  I have learned to never ask anyone if they are sure the experience really happened.  Trust me, this is not a story any of us want to tell.  When our sharing is met with resistance or questioning, we feel like we must be crazy or that we should hold it as our shame so others don’t have to feel it.  It is not okay!  If it feels uncomfortable to someone than perhaps there is some healing that this is reflecting on.  The greatest gift we can ever give is to shine our light as bright as we can and trust that a reflection of discomfort is really an invitation to heal.  This realization came very clear to me one day as I was meditating.  I was upset with myself and feeling guilt for speaking my truth.  I felt that I was actually the one hurting people.  I asked for an understanding and the words of Christ came to my heart.  I heard, “I did not come to the world to make people comfortable, I came to bring light and truth and dispel darkness.  That is not always comfortable.”  This has brought a lot of peace to my heart in knowing that my intent is to experience and inspire healing even though that sometimes comes through pain. 

6.      I have learned compassion for those who are trying to heal.  I think prior to this I minimized other’s experiences and thought at times, “Just move on, get over it already.”  I am so sorry if I have ever portrayed that.  It is not always that simple.  I think of it as a dresser full of old drawers.  You pull out one drawer at a time and sort through all of the old clothes, deciding what fits and what you want to get rid of.  Sometimes you have to try on the clothes to see if they still fit.  Once the whole drawer has been sorted through, you neatly fold up what is staying and close the drawer.  Sometimes it takes a while to find the strength to open another drawer.  The great thing is that every time you brave opening up that old drawer, you are able to get rid of more, and the more space that is cleared, the more room you have to accept and receive new beliefs. 

7.      I have learned that I am responsible for my own happiness.  Throughout this process, I kept waiting for the permission to move on and let go.  I realized that I was resisting my own healing in hopes that the others would “catch up.”  There is no catching up.  The path will look different for everyone and I can only experience mine through my own perspective.  If I am attached to other’s experience, I will always have unmet expectations.  That is giving away my power.  I heard the saying today, “The cause of misery is to have the belief that you are powerless.”  That is the one belief that has kept me prisoner and I now can finally see that the key was right in front of me, I just could not see it until I believed I had a choice.  I may have been victimized initially but only I can decide if I stay a victim.  That is not a belief I choose to keep.  I choose my voice, I choose my power, and I choose love…for myself and others.  When I am free in my own experience, I can allow others to have theirs without my emotions attached.  That is liberating. That is loving with no strings attached! 

8.      When I was having an exceptionally hard day, I was praying for help and heard the words, “The refiner’s fire that is burning through you will be the very same fire in which you will speak from.  Let it be.”  That has been the most powerful part of this experience.  I am feeling a passion and a purpose burn through me. The pain is being traded for understanding and clarity.  I am so grateful for that.  I am so grateful for the connection to spirit that was established before this remembrance but continues to be strengthened as I trust the process.  I am so grateful for the many beautiful people who God is bringing to me, with similar stories.  We are healing each other.  I am so grateful for all of you who have opened up your hearts and shared the depths of your souls.  I have been inspired by so many!     

9.      I have learned that there is power in the secrets.  The darkness inside takes on a life of it’s own and whispers constantly that you are not enough.  Fear is a liar and healing comes only through honesty.  We think that we can build walls around us to keep us safe but the truth is that the walls are transparent.  Everyone else can see through them but can’t get to us to help.  That is such a lonely way to live.  My heart longs for a day when we can just love each other better with no shame and no judgement, with just an understanding that we are all here to experience and to grow.  We have chosen different roles to play to teach each other the lessons we wanted to understand.  There is no villain, there is no victim…just teachers.  We are all in this together!

10.  The most valuable lesson I have learned is gratitude.  I have gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned that I could not have learned any other way.  I am grateful for my connection to my creator.  I am never left alone to navigate and I am grateful for guidance and comfort whenever I have asked.  I am grateful for loving family that surrounds me from the other side and holds me up.  I am grateful for my beautiful children and for the experience of being their mother.  They are my world.  I am grateful for loving healthy relationships that have shown up in masses.  I am so grateful for the darkness because without it I would have never been able to see all the light around me.  I am truly so blessed! I have learned that the atonement is really intended to be AT ONE MENT.  To become at one with self is the greatest blessing the Savior taught us.  It is the only way to find lasting healing and peace.  

There is power in sharing your story.  There is unification in healing and support when we all embrace each other in our imperfections.  That is the prayer of my heart, to inspire others to share their story.  Let’s hold each other up and walk each other home.  “Take the power out of the secrets!”

Lots of love to you all and a special prayer to any of you who are in the storm.  You are not alone! 

"Take the Power Out of the Secrets"

Happy Easter weekend my friends!  It has been a while since I have felt inspired to write in this blog as most of my short and sweet thoughts have been shared on my Healing Connections page.  This has come as a surprise, even to myself that I feel inspired to write about this.  AHH the tug of war I had with myself last night!  Still the call to share is stronger than my desire to procrastinate so I am going to open the iron-clad vault that has been locked for nearly 40 years and allow the healing light of transparency to breathe new life into my deepest darkest corners. 

I want healing, more than anything, I want to heal…beautifully and completely.  I want transformation.  I want transmutation, of the darkness to light within myself.  It’s incredibly humbling to admit that I am also broken.  I used to think that I had to put on a mask of “I’ve got this all together” when I was working with clients and truth be told, when I am doing a session, I do have it all together because time stops and I am the clear vessel of spirit.  When the session ends, my life picks up right where it left off.  I am not complaining.  I have had an amazing life!  I am generally very content and happy but I always carried this deep rooted sadness and unworthiness that I just could never quite get to.  It was so deep that I did not even fully recognize what it represented.  It was somewhat the “elephant in the room” of my soul, taking up space, not really contributing, but continually munching away at my self-worth.

This is by far the hardest, most intimate and vulnerable post I have ever shared and quite possibly, ever will share, at least personally.  I write it because I want to heal more than I want to hide.  It may be a long post as I have carried this for nearly 40 years.  If you are unable to stomach the details of this process, please at least skip to the end because this is not a victim story.  This is not a martyr story.  This is a survivor story, a story of healing, a story of surrender and mercy….this is writing myself A BRAND NEW STORY.

I WAS a victim of sexual abuse as a child.  Unfortunately, that is not so uncommon.  I buried it so deeply that I could only remember bits and pieces.  I preferred it that way.  Every once in a while I would glance back over my shoulder and acknowledge that it had happened but figured that since I really couldn’t remember it all, I really didn’t need to.  I used to think, “How could anyone forget something like that?”  Yet, my mind was clouding the details until I was fully prepared to remember. 

My body remembered.   I was a gymnast and at about the age of 15, the emotions began to surface.  I didn’t understand what I was feeling at all but I felt an overwhelming urge to feel pain within my body.  I started making myself vomit.  Not even so much to lose weight, but to purge.  I started to feel extremely conscious of my physical body and felt intense shame for really nothing at all.  I thought, “If people ever find out who I really am…..they will be so disappointed.”  I felt dirty and stained.  I compared myself constantly to others, especially in my religion and thought, I was somehow different.

So I took on a “role.” I became the “adult” at a very young age.  I tucked my spirituality aside and began to entertain the desires of a very unhealthy appetite.  I felt that I could either serve my body or I could serve my spirit but not both. I felt that I was older then my peers and was no longer allowed to act as a teenager.  I just wanted to get married and start having babies and escape the classroom where I felt that everyone else was allowed to go to recess except for me.  I dated a guy in high school and started an intimate relationship at that very young age.  Intimacy brought on a whole new level of shame…..shame and strangely enough, power.  It somehow felt familiar and free momentarily but the sadness and pain that followed constantly reminded me of who I had tried to escape. 

I never told a soul!  Nobody!  I thought that just maybe I had imagined it. Just maybe something small had happened and maybe I got scared and overreacted.  Maybe…..but my body told me there was more. 

I began “dabbling” in binging and purging from the time I was about fifteen.  I would pull out this hidden trick throughout my adult life whenever I felt overwhelmed or out of control in any way.  I was never a small girl so of course, “I never had an eating disorder.”  That was only for the girls who actually looked like they were starving.  But as I gained and lost weight I felt even more out of control, my self-worth continued to plummet. 

About 8 years ago, I went through a divorce.  As my life spiraled out of control in so many ways, I began to focus….even obsess about the one thing I could control, what I ate.  So I started restricting and restricting more and getting rid of whatever I could as soon as I could.  I lost 50 lbs. over 3 months.  Over the next few years this became a way of life until I was purging nearly 15 times a day.  I felt awful! I was taking energy supplements to keep up the energy I needed.  I put on a smile and made sure everyone thought I had it all together but I was completely caught up in tornado that never touched ground. 

This went on at this pace for nearly four years with no end in sight until finally, when I asked for help, the tender mercy of remembrance reached out and tapped me on the shoulder.  It came through people who reflected that remembrance in different ways.  One was through my friend who was detoxing from a long history of prescription drug addiction.  I literally went through it with him.  I was allowed to be so connected that I actually felt the nausea, the cold sweats, and the despair.  It was an invaluable lesson in understanding that I am not just hurting myself, I am hurting everyone when I hurt ……we really are connected.  I could not bare the thought of hurting my children.  That was truly the one thought that steered me in another direction.  I began praying more and I began a treatment program, and I began to take off the “Always okay mask” and surrender.  As my spiritual connection strengthened, I resolved that I would not inflict this kind of abuse on myself anymore.  I just would never make myself throw up again.  This was a great place to start but I didn’t allow myself to really get to the core of what caused all this. 

During this time my spirituality began to really awaken. I began to feel the connection to the other side that I had experienced as a child and had shut off.  This is when the communication increased in intensity and I began having regular visitations from family members who had passed.  One of these visitors was my grandmother.  She was a beautiful person but really struggled in this life.  I once implied that she was a little crazy.  One day she came to me from the other side and with such a feeling of heartbreak, she said, “Please don’t call me crazy, you don’t know what I have been through.”  I immediately began to see images of her being abused by men.  She was horribly abused in every way imaginable.  She was even locked away in a room where she was rarely seen with her family.  Some people in town did not even know she existed.  It was gut wrenching!  She then said in a desperate plea, “Please take the power out of the secrets!”  I assumed this was in reference to everyone else.  I did not for one moment think that It was meant for me. 

I have been very deliberate and conscious about releasing emotions as they come op and allow the healing process to work through me so I was astonished when, just a few months ago, the old familiar companion named “eating disorder” came to visit again.  This time I recognized her right away.  That feeling always comes with intense sadness and pain but always with the promise that if I am skinnier, that pain will all go away.  This time was different.  I didn’t run away or buy into her promises.  I looked right at her and said, “Why are you here, what do you represent?”  I then petitioned all the help I could on the other side and asked that I really be able to face this and be free from it for good.  I immediately started to retrace my steps throughout the past 25 years and recognize where I had given that belief life.  The images rewound until I saw myself as a little girl….right to the point of where I remembered being abused.  I cried a few tears and felt I had released some emotion and went on with my day thinking, “Oh that dang abuse thing!  I thought I had taken care of that!” 

A few nights later, the images started showing up again.  I was talking to a very good friend and telling him about these emotions when all of the sudden I kept seeing an image of a little girl.  She was tiny, like two years old.  Every time I would visualize trying to approach her, she would disappear.  I just could not get close.  She was deliberately hiding and I could feel her say, “I don’t want anyone to see me.”  Through my spiritual work, I knew that this was a representation of me.   A little girl inside of me who was still needing some healing.  Since I was unable to get to her, I asked that Christ come and take her to the light and help her feel whole again.  Usually when I do this work with clients, the little separated soul is taken to receive healing but is then brought right back to be rejoined with the present day mind, body, and spirit.  It surprised me when I saw an image of Christ rush in and scoop this sweet little girl up and take her with him.  He didn’t bring her back.  I reasoned that maybe I no longer needed to be connected to this wounded child and that now I could feel more whole.  But over the next week, I felt like something was missing.  I felt like there was more and I desperately wanted to be able to release this. 

I began focusing my meditations every day on healing this past wound.  I prayed to finally get to the bottom of this even if it meant that I had to remember exactly what had happened.  Nearly a week later, during a meditation I was pleading….really sincerely begging to understand and be free from this pain.  That is when I saw that little girl once again.  This time she was older.  She looked about 8 years old and she was wearing a beautiful white dress and holding the hand of the Savior.  She impressed upon me her desire to come back and be as one with me but that it was my choice, my timeline.  (This may sound so strange to many but visualization is one gift that, thankfully, has become very strong for me.  I am spoken to through images to help me understand.)  As I saw that little girl standing there, I was suddenly overcome with absolute fear.  I saw her standing there so beautiful, so pure, and so willing, and I became acutely aware of just how separated my body and my spirit had become. 

I could literally hear a conversation between them.  My body cried out, “Where have you been?  This wouldn’t have happened if you had stayed with us!  You are not coming back until you tell us exactly what happened.”  My spirit, or my higher self, in the higher consciousness of understanding spoke love and patience and said, “Are you sure?  Are you sure you want to remember all of it?”  My body cried out “Yes!” I also became aware that my body was being cleansed to allow my perfectly spotless soul to return.  I was asked again if remembering was really what I wanted to which I replied, “More than anything.”   The impression came to me, “Love your body.”  I started to give gratitude for my body, when all of the sudden, I felt that little girl and my body reunite.  It was unmistakable!  I felt my body light up and all the dormancy reawaken.  I also started to see images…..images that have been devastating but necessary to acknowledge.  I saw all that I didn’t want to see and did not want to believe. These memories invoked the most soul-heaving, grief stricken sobs I have ever experience.  This was a cleansing at the very deepest core of my being.  Everything that I had known or believed throughout my life had been built upon these images.  When I felt that I could no longer stand to witness the truth, I cried out to be lifted up and strengthened.  That is when my sweet friend, my representation of perfect love and acceptance came to my rescue. 

In perfect tender mercy, I saw the image of Christ come to me.  He reached out his hand and led me up a hill.  He said he would let me see the rest from a more protected view.  I realized that my spirit was up above as if on the outskirts of town looking down on a city where my body was just there, completely unattached.  I was able to see the rest of the experience without feeling the emotion of it.  He gently held me and kept me in his consciousness of love.  He allowed my body to experience what it needed to remember to heal but kept my soul safe with him.  I then began to see images of me as a really small girl.  A memory returned to my thoughts.  My mother said that when I was very young, I told her that I just could not decide if I was going to go back or stay with them.  Suddenly the dots connected.  I realized that it was during the time that I was being abused that my little soul was kept safely away from the nightmare.  I could also hear him say to me, “You know you don’t have to do this, you always have a choice.”  That little girl, in her higher soul consciousness would reply, “I want to, I know that he will not get better if I don’t do this.  He will continue on a destructive path if I don’t finish this.”  

The “AT ONE MENT” process

I speak of this often.  This was a beautiful process that I was given the understanding of during an experience last October when I was allowed to visit the other side during a surgery.  They were beautiful words that I teach often in sessions.  I now know firsthand the healing power these words represent.

The At one ment process is a lesson of the symbolism that the crucifixion represents.  I believe completely that when I was allowed to take that journey to the other side, I asked to clear the path so that I could progress.  I am so very grateful that I was given the tools to process this before the remembrance happened. 

GARDEN of GETHSEMANE:  This was the time of the initial remembrance, the shocking realization that what I had believed no longer existed.  I felt every emotion in its entirety and let the deepest wounds open.  I felt very tempted to shove it back down and stop the process because I was scared of the pain but as the “Refiner’s fire” burned through me, the very same fire brought light to a once dark place.  I felt pain not only for myself but for the abuser.  I was so sad that they had carried such an immense burden in their life as well.  I felt physical pain release and the intensity began to decrease.  It seemed to come in waves at first.  I have experienced all the stages of grieving from denial, to sadness, to anger, to bargaining to acceptance.  Just when I thought it was over, I would bounce back to a previous stage and go through it all again.  When I felt that I could no longer stand to feel this pain, I surrendered.

CRUCIFIXION:  This stage represents the complete surrender and when I say I surrendered, I mean complete, lying on the floor, unable to face another person, unable to put the next thought together on my own kind of surrender.  I plead “I cannot take this any longer.  Please carry me!”  I cried to whoever on the other side would listen.  It was almost immediately that the pain subsided.  I started to feel relief.  I felt that the deep ravines of dry baron canyon land had been filled with life giving, nourishing, cleansing water.  Through the transmutation of Christ Consciousness and peace I was able to say, “Forgive them for they knew not…….forgive me because I knew not.”  I was only a little girl, incapable of protecting myself.  I felt my spirit finally say to my body, “Thank you for taking this so that I could stay protected.”  By body said, “Thank you for staying clean and pure so that you could come back and heal us.”  It has been a most beautiful reunion. 

LAYING TO REST IN the TOMB:  I am finding the gratitude in this experience.  I am realizing more every day.  This has shaped my entire life.  I was not always conscious of it, but I could always see the deep dark hole that others carried because I carried it too.  I pray that has made me more compassionate and understanding.  I came to depend on my Creator more than I depended on man.  I knew that I could not be healed in any other way.  Interestingly, I didn’t feel at all worthy for God’s approval or love, therefore, I have developed a relationship with Christ in his pure consciousness of love. I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for contrast, to know what it feels like to be a bird in a cage…wanting so badly to be free but unable to unlock the door.  I am grateful for a brand new beginning, cage-free, limitless, and endless! 

A couple of days ago, I was starting to feel a little cluttered in my emotions again.  I kept hearing the words, “You need to share your story.”  The image that I had in sharing it was terrifying…I kept pushing that thought away.  That night as I was feeling particularly disconnected, I began to see an image.  It was me again.  She was the age that I am now.  She was in a completely empty room with all white walls and a white floor.  There were no openings, no windows, no way out.  She was desperately looking, trying to find herself, crying out, “I don’t know who I am!  I can’t find myself!”  I could see her pounding on the walls and shouting, “I am locked in here and nobody will listen to me.  Nobody even knows I am here!”  I had once again left her behind and buried myself in my work.  It was very obvious that I had to take some time for healing.  I had to be gentle and compassionate with myself in the way that I am for others.  It was also obvious that that girl needed a voice!  She deserved a voice.  After all these years, she just wants to be heard.  So here we are.  Sharing the deepest, darkest, dirtiest laundry with the world.  I should be terrified but at long last, I just don’t care.  I am liberated!  The secrets make us sick.  This is no longer mine to carry.  I no longer feel the need to protect everyone around me at the cost of feeding that giant life sucking elephant. 

I wanted to wait until I could present this story in a nice little wrapped up gift with a beautiful shiny bow…I wanted it to look pretty.  But I’ve realized that this IS wrapping it up with a beautiful bow.  In sharing this, perhaps it can be a gift to another.  Perhaps in liberating myself, someone else will feel free to liberate themselves and if I can be any amount of light in that journey for them, this has all been worth it. 

That giant elephant is now becoming a giant stepping stool to finally be able to see over the walls I built.  I just can’t stop gazing at what is on the other side of that wall.  It represents the freedom, the love, and the acceptance for myself and others, the wall is crumbling down. To be honest, I am not sure who I am right now but I don’t believe I need that clearly defined.  I am surrendering daily and trusting that if I were to put these broken pieces back together, it would look like a glued together vase that may or may not ever hold water again.  He is constructing an intricate, divine stained glass window that he can shine the light through.  I am love….that’s all I need to know for now.  I promise to “thine own self be true” from here on out and I know the rest will come together.

I also know that this truly is a brand new day.  I felt this so appropriate for Easter, although I really didn’t even plan it that way.  The stone is rolled away and I am now walking out of the darkness of the “TOMB” and into the glowing warmth of the sunshine.  I can almost see my arms outstretched, absorbing every ounce of this healing light.  I can finally say, “It is done.”  I am made a new creation through the atonement.  I am made whole by the divine creator that blesses and lives within me.  I am free to dream, free to create, free to remember.  I am grateful…..so incredibly grateful!  Today is a brand new day to write a brand new story…it’s a love story!  In every aspect, I am writing myself a love story. 

This is my resurrection! 

 

(For my grandmother) I promise to continue to “Take the Power Out of the Secrets.” 

If I can assist you in writing your own “RESURRECTION” story please private message me or call 801-910-7591.

 

 

 

  

 

 

Awakening the Remembrance

Hello my friends!

True to the EBB and FLOW I have previously written about, my life has been an extreme of both recently!  Thankfully, I am starting to experience the simplicity that comes when I am just in the "flow" and not resistance.  I have been undergoing a huge inner transformation and learning curve that has left me somewhat feeling suspended in mid-air.  I know many of you are experiencing this as well as you have shared.  It's crazy, exciting, enlightening, beautiful and unnerving all at the same time.....but I wouldn't have it any other way! 

So, in previous posts, I have shared experiences that other people have had in healing with the other side.  They have been so amazing and inspiring and I am so grateful to have been a part of them.  However, My work has been changing drastically since my last post.  Thus the long absence.....I didn't even know what to write!  So after some very personal and life changing experiences of my own, I am now being asked to teach and facilitate experiences for other people to have their own awakening and interaction with the other side.  I am being asked to be a mouthpiece in reminding people who they really are.  There is no magic trick or special club to be at one with all in the highest light. It opens through the portal of love within yourself.

My journey down this spiritual path began about 7 years ago with nothing more than a stirring within my soul.  I felt an undeniable beckoning to more.  It would not rest.  I felt that although my path in hospice was a great path, it was not my calling.  I had to know why I was here!   It started with simply pleading and surrendering to a will  higher than my own.  I would pray every day, "Lord please make me an instrument."  I followed the gentle promptings to go within and ask..  I started meditating everyday in complete humility and willingness to do whatever was asked of me as long as I knew it was true to my purpose.  The answers came....little by little, softly and subtly and only when I was open.  When I needed a teacher, one would show up.  Sometimes in the physical form, sometimes in the spirit form but they taught me all I was willing to learn and thankfully, I am still learning everyday.

How many of you are feeling the "AWAKENING?"  How many of you are feeling your soul's cry to step into your light?  How many of you want to experience the higher consciousness of peace and total acceptance for yourself and others?  It is possible here and now and it is time!  It is not a journey of finding something outside of yourself but in the releasing all that is not in remembrance of who you really are.

I am seeing some of the most beautiful, inspiring manifestations of that remembrance.  I met with a lady this past week who I had met with about six months ago.  She returned with a friend and wanted her to experience the loving spirit that comes when we open up completely to the messages our loved ones have for us.  She expressed that prior to her last session, she felt lost and hopeless.  She was in a toxic marriage and felt her family was falling apart.  She said that the spirit that was present was so powerful, it truly changed her.  She said that she felt so comforted and knew that she was not alone.  Most importantly, she found her connection to God and said that through that, her entire life is changing.  She was able to make positive changes and her family is experiencing a new closeness.  I know that I alone do not have any power to provide such an experience.   It is only through the resonance of Christ consciousness that the vibration is realized.  When you are ready, the teacher will appear! Starting with your teacher within.

I have shared this story before but I would like to again because of the simple but powerful message it gave.   I recently did a session for a thirteen year old girl. She was so beautiful inside and out and had one of the purest hearts I have ever felt. She was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders as she was an "old soul" and had a hard time knowing where she fit. As we began our session, her loved ones conveyed their understanding of her loneliness and assured her that they did truly understand what she was feeling. She was very emotional and was releasing it from the very bottom of her heart. Then, an interesting thing happened. I felt angels, her loved ones, and the spirit of Christ encircle her. They had me stop talking as they gathered around and linked hands. They asked me to ask her if she could feel the intense peace and comfort as the room filled with light. She started to smile as the tears continued to fall, then she started to giggle, and then full out laugh. As she alternated between tears and laughter, her soul came alive. The light returned to her eyes and her mother and I stared in awe as we realized,THIS IS WHAT PURE JOY LOOKS LIKE! It was a period of about 10 minutes in which I was unable to speak. She was given a chance to REMEMBER. I asked her what it felt like and she said, "It feels so amazing!" She said, "I have been blind...I thought I was alone and I never have been! This is what home feels like."  

So, in this post I would like to extend an invitation....to your soul.  Follow YOUR voice.  Trust that the messages and the guidance you are receiving are divinely given and meant for you.  Surround yourself in loving vibrations as often as you possibly can and share the inspiration as it is given to you.  That will strengthen you as a vessel. 


I want to say thank you so much to the many teachers who have and continue to show up just when I need to learn the lesson.  Thank you for all who have joined in our groups and classes.  Collectively you are changing hearts and bringing light to all around you.  I am so incredibly humbled to partake in the energy you all share.  As we have heard and commented on many times, we are all just walking each other home.

 My prayer is that whatever your path is, you find your passion.  You find your purpose and you light the world up in the true "being" that you are!   I pray you remember what it feels like to be HOME.

I will continue to post healing as well as awakening experiences here and share what I have learned along this journey in hopes that you will know you are loved and supported.  We all need each other.  Please feel free to leave your comments that might be healing and inspiring for others.

Lots of love to you all!