I am reflecting on what the last five months have been. Emotionally…it has been a whirlwind, an
earthquake, a tsunami, a thunderstorm, and the most beautiful, bright, warm
sunny day I have ever felt. My house was
rocked clear down to the foundation. I
didn’t ever realize it but the foundation was cracked from a very young age and
the house was starting to fall apart even before the storm blew through. Even while I am still venturing through the aftermath
of this storm, I am grateful. This house
is being built on a strong foundation, stronger than I ever knew I could
build.
“And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made
it through, how you managed to survive.
You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be
the same person who walked in. That’s
what the storm is all about.” Haruki
Murakami
For those
who are just reading this post, this is a follow up to my previous post called “Take
the Power out of the Secrets.” I wrote
that in April just after my internal storm began. I was just starting to have vivid memories
awaken and the realization that I was sexually abused by someone I loved and
trusted. I always knew it was there but
I believe that I had not allowed myself to open that box until I was ready to
deal with it. Thankfully, through a
crossing over experience during a surgery, I was given a roadmap and tools to
be able to process this once it came to the surface. For that I am so grateful. To be completely honest, I am sure this would
have broken me completely. I did
break. I shattered into a million pieces
but I was also given the support from the other side and loving support from
people on this side to help me come back together.
I am not the
same person. Sometimes that feels so
sad. I have grieved the person I left
behind. There really was a lot I liked
about her. I won’t miss the insecurity
she felt or the “never enough” thoughts she was always running from. I won’t miss that constant fear that someone
might recognize who she really was. She
thought she was damaged. She thought she
needed to stay separated to stay safe.
She loved watching everyone else experience joy, love and abundance in
their lives. She just never thought it
was for her. She was so scared. She never even realized just how scared she
was.
She is not
afraid anymore…..she walked head first into the storm, without cover. In fact, in the process, all the shelter and
safety that she thought she had in her life disappeared. She was left to stand out in the rain
completely alone….or so she thought.
At first she
laid in the mud, sobbing, broken and unable to pick herself up. The storm raged until she had no more tears,
nothing left to cry out and she laid there.
She completely surrendered to the fact that this time it was bigger than
she was. She had pulled out every trick
she could think of. All that was left
was to ask God to hold her, to take her in his arms and hold her up. She had never asked in this way before. This time she was willing to trade everything
for the sunshine. She had not felt the
sun shine for so long and she felt desperately alone.
God heard my
cries and lovingly, unmistakably, came to my rescue. The clouds started to part and the sun
started shining again. It has come in the form of many loving, beautiful people
who somehow knew when I needed that uplifting text or that “just checking in”
phone call. It came through sessions
with others where I was able to learn and heal with my clients. It came through
other healers who shared their incredible gifts with me. It came through my amazing supportive
children who let me grieve as long as I needed and never made me feel weak. They let me step down from the caretaker role
and “just be” more times than I can count.
It came through an amazing man that God sent me to help me remember that
I am lovable and worthwhile. He came
when I was the very most broken. He came
when I felt completely empty of anything that resembled who I was before. He came to help me see who I really was and
love me back together. The divine timing
was impeccable and so unexpected, in fact, I was not even open to a
relationship. I did not want to drag
anyone into this mess. But it was
exactly what I needed at the time. The
slate had been wiped clean and I needed to replace it with something
healthier. I am so very grateful for the
tender mercies of this experience.
For the
family that I have lost, at least for now…I have grieved the most. The heart breaking realization has finally
set in that this is also bigger than any of us and that the only way to mend is
through complete surrender on all levels.
I have no idea how to put it back together. That is unfamiliar. I have always thought that in some way I
could mend anything. I thought that I
could physically hold all the pieces together.
This time I cannot….I will not.
This time we get to heal. We get
to dig deep down into the source of the wound and draw out the devastating
infection that has festered for nearly 40 years. This is the gift we have been given, to no
longer be content with surface healing and surface connection. I want more…we all deserve more. I have also chosen to understand the reason
for this disconnect. This is
painful. Nobody wants to feel pain. We will do whatever it takes to avoid
discomfort but the healing only happens when we let ourselves get
uncomfortable. At times it is
frustrating. At times I feel angry, but
most of the time I feel compassion for the pain that is being held. I am understanding that sometimes loving
people means loving them enough to let them feel their own experience….to allow
them to react in whatever way they need to but to honor myself enough to be
free from absorbing it.
As I read
back over my previous post, I kind of laughed at the naivety in thinking that I
could go through this four step process, brush myself off and start running
again. I really had no idea what this
healing process would entail. I have
learned so much through this experience in every aspect of healing and through
that I can say that this happened for
all of us not to us.
1. I have learned that grief has no time
limit. It comes in waves and is as
unpredictable as the tide. At times I
have felt numb, at times I am so raw that I cry at the drop of a hat. Simple songs or smells can bring up a memory
and the grieving starts all over again.
In many ways it has been like grieving a death. It has been a death of who I believed I was
and a death of who I believed loved and supported me. But there has also been a rebirth. A confident, strong and courageous woman is
emerging. I was riddled with doubt and
fear at the beginning of this process but the more I am true to my heart, the
more my heart takes the lead. There has
been a birth of freedom. Freedom to feel
my own emotions, freedom to not have to make everyone else comfortable, freedom
to speak my truth, and freedom to heal.
2. There was a time during this process where I
could see an image of my body as an empty suit.
It looked like someone had unzipped me from my head to my toes and
literally ripped out all of my insides.
It was the strangest feeling to see complete blank space where there
were once packed in emotions and beliefs.
I felt like I was just a shell and had no idea what to fill that suit
back up with. I prayed to be filled with
what my creator believed I was and not who I thought I was. I asked to remember. It was then that I saw something
familiar. I still had just one part of
me intact, one piece that had survived the storm....it was my voice.
I have learned that healing comes through sharing the one thing that was
taken away from me, my voice. I have sat
down many times to write this post and could not. My throat would tighten and my chest would
ache. I was so afraid to offend
anyone. I finally realized that I was
still holding myself prisoner in feeing like I had to make everyone happy. I realized that I was still holding onto the
pain to keep it from leaking out but the truth was, it still did and the energy
was draining and dark. If I share my
story, my darkness becomes light and I want to touch people in that way! I had the blessing of working with many
people healing from abuse because of my last post and I realized that if this
potentially inspires or gives hope to even one person, it is worth possibly
offending a few. I feel an awakening of
purpose within me. I want to be a voice
for those who feel they have lost theirs.
In taking back my own power, I hope to inspire others to do the same.
3. I learned surrender. I learned how to ask for help. I learned that there are so many amazing
people with gifts to share and that we all need each other. I learned that people were happy to help me
and that it allowed us to form a deeper connection. I learned that people loved me for me and not
just for the work that I did. I learned
to be honest and vulnerable and most of all compassionate for myself. Grieving and healing is no different than
healing from a wound in our bodies. So
many times I would start to feel a little bit stronger and I would take off
running again, trying to save the world.
I would be gently reminded that if I had a broken leg that was healing,
I would give it time to heal before I started running again. Why would I think an emotional wound deserved
any less time? I have learned to trust
that when my spirit asks me to rest, there is a reason and it is always a
beautiful experience. It is in the rest
that I am given precious pearls of understanding and wisdom so that I can share
with others. It is also when I feel more
grounded and appreciate more fully the beauty around me.
4. I have learned trust. Trusting myself has been the most honoring
healing experience I have had in reuniting my body and my spirit. For most of my life, my body and spirit were at
war. I now understand the unselfish and
compassionate role my body played. It
served as a lock box so to speak. It
absorbed the emotions and feelings that I was not able to deal with quite
yet. It kept going strong despite my
constant criticism. We have been
reunited and for the first time in my life, I feel a deep respect and
appreciation for this beautiful gift.
It’s not just an esthetic appreciation, but deep love for the service it
has provided. Even though the painful
memories have been felt vividly in my body, I have been allowed to feel joy in
equal measure. I feel all the beauty
around me when I am hiking. I feel
release of emotion in my body and the refilling of peace that was once only
spiritually recognized. I feel in the
moment and able to “be still,” which I was never able to do before. I have learned that when I have a question or
a doubt, my body will tell me. For
example, one of the hardest parts of this process has been to trust that my
memories were actually real and that I had not made them up. I think that is a fear everyone who has
experienced this feels, but my body made it very clear, even to the point of
giving me nightmares and panic attacks.
My body let me know that the intensity at which the emotion showed up in
my body could not be imagined. Through
establishing trust, those experiences are decreasing. My emotions just needed to be validated.
5. I have learned that just because this
makes others uncomfortable, I am not meant to hold it. I have learned to never ask anyone if they
are sure the experience really happened.
Trust me, this is not a story any of us want to tell. When our sharing is met with resistance or
questioning, we feel like we must be crazy or that we should hold it as our
shame so others don’t have to feel it.
It is not okay! If it feels
uncomfortable to someone than perhaps there is some healing that this is
reflecting on. The greatest gift we can
ever give is to shine our light as bright as we can and trust that a reflection
of discomfort is really an invitation to heal.
This realization came very clear to me one day as I was meditating. I was upset with myself and feeling guilt for
speaking my truth. I felt that I was
actually the one hurting people. I asked
for an understanding and the words of Christ came to my heart. I heard, “I did not come to the world to make
people comfortable, I came to bring light and truth and dispel darkness. That is not always comfortable.” This has brought a lot of peace to my heart
in knowing that my intent is to experience and inspire healing even though that
sometimes comes through pain.
6. I have learned compassion for those
who are trying to heal. I think prior to
this I minimized other’s experiences and thought at times, “Just move on, get
over it already.” I am so sorry if I
have ever portrayed that. It is not
always that simple. I think of it as a
dresser full of old drawers. You pull
out one drawer at a time and sort through all of the old clothes, deciding what
fits and what you want to get rid of.
Sometimes you have to try on the clothes to see if they still fit. Once the whole drawer has been sorted
through, you neatly fold up what is staying and close the drawer. Sometimes it takes a while to find the
strength to open another drawer. The
great thing is that every time you brave opening up that old drawer, you are
able to get rid of more, and the more space that is cleared, the more room you
have to accept and receive new beliefs.
7. I have learned that I am responsible for
my own happiness. Throughout this
process, I kept waiting for the permission to move on and let go. I realized that I was resisting my own
healing in hopes that the others would “catch up.” There is no catching up. The path will look different for everyone and
I can only experience mine through my own perspective. If I am attached to other’s experience, I
will always have unmet expectations.
That is giving away my power. I
heard the saying today, “The cause of misery is to have the belief that you are
powerless.” That is the one belief that
has kept me prisoner and I now can finally see that the key was right in front
of me, I just could not see it until I believed I had a choice. I may have been victimized initially but only
I can decide if I stay a victim. That is
not a belief I choose to keep. I choose
my voice, I choose my power, and I choose love…for myself and others. When I am free in my own experience, I can
allow others to have theirs without my emotions attached. That is liberating. That is loving with no
strings attached!
8. When I was having an exceptionally
hard day, I was praying for help and heard the words, “The refiner’s fire that
is burning through you will be the very same fire in which you will speak
from. Let it be.” That has been the most powerful part of this experience. I am feeling a passion and a purpose burn
through me. The pain is being traded for understanding and clarity. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for the connection to spirit
that was established before this remembrance but continues to be strengthened
as I trust the process. I am so grateful
for the many beautiful people who God is bringing to me, with similar stories. We are healing each other. I am so grateful for all of you who have
opened up your hearts and shared the depths of your souls. I have been inspired by so many!
9. I have learned that there is power in
the secrets. The darkness inside takes
on a life of it’s own and whispers constantly that you are not enough. Fear is a liar and healing comes only through
honesty. We think that we can build
walls around us to keep us safe but the truth is that the walls are transparent. Everyone else can see through them but can’t
get to us to help. That is such a lonely
way to live. My heart longs for a day
when we can just love each other better with no shame and no judgement, with
just an understanding that we are all here to experience and to grow. We have chosen different roles to play to teach
each other the lessons we wanted to understand.
There is no villain, there is no victim…just teachers. We are all in this together!
10. The most valuable lesson I have
learned is gratitude. I have gratitude for
the lessons I’ve learned that I could not have learned any other way. I am grateful for my connection to my
creator. I am never left alone to
navigate and I am grateful for guidance and comfort whenever I have asked. I am grateful for loving family that surrounds
me from the other side and holds me up.
I am grateful for my beautiful children and for the experience of being
their mother. They are my world. I am grateful for loving healthy
relationships that have shown up in masses.
I am so grateful for the darkness because without it I would have never
been able to see all the light around me.
I am truly so blessed! I have learned that the atonement is really
intended to be AT ONE MENT. To become at
one with self is the greatest blessing the Savior taught us. It is the only way to find lasting healing
and peace.
There is
power in sharing your story. There is
unification in healing and support when we all embrace each other in our
imperfections. That is the prayer of my
heart, to inspire others to share their story.
Let’s hold each other up and walk each other home. “Take
the power out of the secrets!”
Lots of love
to you all and a special prayer to any of you who are in the storm. You are not alone!
